I'm Also Just A Happy Little Tree

I want these DVDs for Christmas so I can play them whenever my wild womanness rages out of control. ARE YOU LISTENING, INTERNET? CHRISTMAS. PRESENT. TIME.

thanks,
Ashley

Survival Tactics

I watched the Czech Republic episode of No Reservations this weekend, and you know what all those slavic faces and scarves made me think of? Survival.

If I needed to slice open an animal and snuggle inside to stay warm, I'd do it. I'd say a little prayer, slit its throat and snuggle up. I wouldn't drink the blood, though. I'm not gonna sit there and, like, stick a straw up in it. In the morning I'd use it as a sled to get to the next village. Who would DO something like that, you might ask? Someone who's resourceful*. Using the ears to steer, I'd sled right up to a village and say, "Here's a present. Can I please use your phone?"

*And Han Solo

These Boots Were Made For FAILING

So I bought these black clunky boots at a thrift store for $10 (which, for me, is pretty expensive), and I love them because they make me stomp really aggressively wherever I go, but the problem is, the sole is falling off (is it so hard to ask your shoes to just come WITH you on the journey? No, no it is not), so I've taped the whole thing with black electrical tape.

Anyway, bad idea, bozos, because black electrical tape totally does NOT WORK. I was clomping around the mall today feeling very cool and very much 90's-era Mallrats when my shoes were like, "Abandon ship!" and started to take a dive toward barefootsville.

Rather than buy a new pair of shoes at a different thrift store for 10 or possibly even 8 dollars, I'm going to use Gorilla Glue to fix them. Because guess what, friendo? Gorilla Glue is the BEST. And unlike my stupid combat boots, it will never EVER fail.

Deal with it.

And watch this video.

The Slash Is Not Just An Awesome Musician

When I started this blog, I really wanted the address to be http://it's/millar/time.blogspot.com but every time I typed that into that white smile space on my Safari browsers, the internet was like, "No, sorry." And I was getting so annoyed, it reminded me of the time I stuck two huge cucumbers in a Mason jar and couldn't get them back out again. Man, oh man. So anyway, I changed the address to something that manipulative internet might accept.

That's called compromise, and in chapter 5 of The Middle Passageway, my book on middle age, it talks about how too many 40 year olds are unwilling to compromise the leather seats in their brand new sports car impulse buys, which is what causes menopause.

Anyway, I found that interesting/awesome.

TAKE THAT, INTERNET. I JUST SLASHED YOU. IN THE FACE. 

I'M HOT! And You're Not!

You know what's better than rap? Teen Witch.

This is basically what my childhood looked like. I bet I could out-rap middle age if I tried hard enough. But maybe I'll just drop some sick verse on my garden instead.

My Favorite Book

Here's another role model: Charlotte Doyle. She could have become a pirate's wench, but she didn't. She put on some boy's clothes and tied really efficient knots or something.

I really identify with my literary heroes.

Role Model

It's good to have role models in life. Otherwise, how will we know how to navigate the kinds of problems we face? Problems like the bubonic plague, our 40's, non-valid non-arguments, and getting poop smeared on us. These are my problems, anyway. Here's my role model. She's ready for anything and I like that approach. It's why I only ever wear pants (check under my skirt, boys. Still pants. I promise.)

(Wait, don't, you'd get a nunchuck to the face.)

(But seriously, there's always a pair of pants hiding under there, in case of emergency sprinting exit.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Tank Girl. She's ready for anything. See her crazy ass moped/bike/tank hybrid? See the grizzled resolve? She's a riott grrl, and I want to be JUST LIKE HER.

My Workout Routine

Since I'm anticipating the onset of middle age to happen any moment, I'm getting my body ready for when everything starts to fall apart and I become an invalid spinster. This is my workout routine, as demonstrated by my one true love, JCVD. If he's able to look this bangin' so late in life, then I know I'll be ready for whatever that tempestuous beast Middle Age has for me.

Best Musician EVER!

I feel like this guy really gets it, you know? Sometimes, when the music is right, you've just gotta move.

Then again, that could be the epilepsy. One never knows.

First Crush

My heart still skips a beat.

Then again, that could be consumption. Or AIDS.

Comebacks

Sometimes when people criticize me, I have this little gem in my back pocket as a rebuttal:

"WHAT?! It's from MONSTER SQUAD!"


See what I mean? Speechless.

WOLFMAN'S GOT NARDS!

This is what the inside of my brain looks like.

OMG OMG OMG OMG

LOOK AT HIS WIDDLE FWACE!

What Dreams May Come

So I had this dream last night where I was a fearsome warrior in the hinterlands of my psyche and I had both a cloak of invisibility as well as the ability to fly. I wish I also had the ability to slay dragons, but I think this was the lite version of my ideal psych self, so whatever. Maybe I wasn't REMming hard enough. I'd take some melatonin but I might suffer from insomnia one day and I want to be prepared for that.

Back to my dream.

Ricky Gervais and Quentin Tarantino were like, "Ashley, you should steal that pack of Slim Jims from the Hinterlands 7-Eleven." But I felt that there was something inherently wrong with this so I called upon my powers of kara-tay to thwart them all. Then I rode away on my unicorn, Jemma.

Oh, and Radiohead was playing the whole time.

I think what it means is that I've been neglecting my garden lately and perhaps my brussel sprouts are staging an uprising.

Hmm.

My Favorite Movie: Zombie Killers Of Ye Olde DeadWorld

Grade: B (just like the movie, haha)

So Zombie Killers of Ye Olde DeadWorld is an amazing piece of British cinema. It takes place in Wee Britain in 1985 and the whole world is overrun by evil zombies and vampire superheroes. I felt that the references to Anime were a bit forced, but the dialogue was pretty right-on. Here's an example:

"Get ready to meet thine end, evil Zombie Killer! I hath spoken!"

And then the hero spears the zombie through the sinus cavity with a crossbow. It's awesome.

I like slurpees.

Help It Grow

So I have a garden. I love my garden. I sprinkle all of my deepest secrets like sacred fertilizer onto my beloved patch of earth. Today my advice to my garden was, "Like humans, gardens must have proper drainage. Don't get constipated, man."

My approach to gardening is pretty similar to this hers:

The Middle Passage

You know what I'm ready for? Middle age. I've been reading up on it, and the way I see it, it can happen any time because I'm not only ready for it, I'm like a lioness crouched and waiting on the African plain, licking her jaws and just WAITING TO POUNCE. Watch out, middle age. I'm coming for you.

Angst, you don't stand a chance. 


It's Millar time.

Health and Wellness

You know, you could be a total wuss and eat a couple of Tylenol when you have cramps, OR you could be like me and refuse any and all medication of any sort. I'm prepping myself for childbirth so I can just walk around until that baby falls out. And when it does, the first words I'm going to say to it are, "Get ready for middle age, son."